Kiwiana Girl Tells All

So far 2017 has been really tough on me.  The way I struggled over New Year’s should have been a sign, but I went to the doctor’s and they said it was a rough time of year and that I'll get through it.  Which at the time I could see there was a lot going on and so I just put one foot in front of the other and just focused on getting through each day as best I could. I don’t like to show my emotions or asking friends for help, as I know everyone has their own problems and battles and it’s hard for anyone to really understand the depths of someone’s situation. A few years back I felt like I was in a good head space, I was ready to start living and putting myself out there to find my life time partner.  But looking back now, I still didn’t love myself and the saying goes “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to be able to love someone else.”  And this is so true… As I have never loved me.  I know how to love my children, my parents and all my close friends a

Was munching on a biscuit yesterday and ended up choking on a crumb.  After that crumb, I kept coughing.  Went to bed feeling a little out of sorts, where I woke up in the early hours of the morning with a sore throat and sore body.  When I eventually got out of bed later that morning, my throat was sore to swallow, my cough hurt my chest and throat, my body hurts in the legs, hips, shoulders, neck and back and I have a fuzzy head ache.  I feel like death warmed up and I'm asking why me only 4 weeks since I last was down with a similar bug.  I had just spent the past week and a half getting back into my walking and cutting down on the shit food and now I haven't got the energy to keep it up. The other thing that I had to battled with today, was taking my girl to her Psychiatrist and Psychologist appointment.  We had a struggling start to the session, finally they got her to talk... which only made me cry.  When she talks about certain thoughts and feelings she has, I start t

I can not fix myself. I have tried everything and after everything I have done, I still can not love myself and so I can not expect anyone else to love me! I have come to terms with what my life is meant to be like and this is why I have let myself go.  I use to do so many things to try and improve myself, but what's the point anymore.  All that weight I lost thinking it would make me happy and to hopefully help with finding my soul mate, didn't work one little bit.  I'm still not good enough, so that makes me think I just don't have the charisma or the attractive personality that guys like and want to build a life with.    So seeing as the weight loss didn't work, I have slowly or maybe quite quickly let the weight pile right back and I have given up on exercising, I don't want to go out, I can't be bothered chatting with friends, fed up of faking a smile and when I do go out, I end up just wanting to go back home, as I still feel lonely eve

I really did think I was an idiot! I felt like I had lost how to connect with the opposite sex or maybe I never had been able to connect and that was why I have always struggled with dating. I have in the past blamed it on the guy and yes, sometimes it has been their doing, because all they wanted was one thing.  But other times it’s me.  I can be so stupid and rush into something, especially when it feels amazing from the get go… but I always ended up getting hurt.  Other times there is nothing at the start and so I don’t persevere.  But what if I had, what if those first couple of dates that seemed okay, but the kisses did nothing was just a learning curve.  What if I had tried a little longer, got more comfortable and found that the kisses and the moments became more amazing!  But what if it didn’t and then I ended up hurting them, because then I would hate myself and feel like I had strung them along… which is what usually happens to me all the time and I don’t want to

So I’m definitely very vanilla.  I’m not one for kinky shit, give me a normal relationship in the bedroom, with a little bit of a change here and there, and I’m pretty happy. I mean, I don’t want to be on the bottom all the time, as I do like trying different positions and being on top like a cow girl can sometimes be more pleasant in the fact that I can sometimes get in the perfect position for me to maybe cum along for the ride, but this is a very rear occasion for me. At a young age I learnt that my Mum had been raped when she was 18 years old, by a male family friend.  I learnt all about the birds and the bees at that time too and so my thinking when I was old enough was that sex was to be mostly vanilla and also was really only for making babies. I was nearly 19 when I lost my virginity.  Was all pretty straight stuff, different position’s and I was comfortable with everything we did. Met my husband and everything seemed normal and straight forward with him to

I have come to the conclusion that seeing as I’m a pretty lonely and depressed person, who desperately craves in finding that amazing friendship, I have let myself have a large target on my back. I’m like a magnet for the lost and needy, because as soon as they’ve gotten to know me and have enjoyed my company, they have then found themselves and I have become surplus to their requirement. So call me the fill in friend. I’m great to chat with, open up too, I’m understanding and very helpful.  I’m not pushy, never expect anything from anyone, loyal, care about everyone’s feeling’s, while ending up losing myself. I get reeled in by them, thinking that this is going to be an amazing friendship…. We have so much in common and we have awesome fun… but we were only having fun, because it was them needing the companionship to get them through a lonely spell.  I don’t want to keep being a part time friend or a fill in friend, just because you don’t want to be alone.  Pa

I know that no promises were made at the time and so I can’t be angry with you.  But the reason why I was okay with what you said to me was because you said you weren’t ready for getting attached and that you were enjoying being your own self again, so I let my guard down, thinking that at least I wouldn’t get hurt over you finding someone else. And here I am feeling yet again like a piece of shit, only good enough to be a fill in and not good enough for anything else.  I knew when you fobbed me off the other week, there was more too it.  And yes, you are the reason for why I became so sad…. But I couldn’t admit it to you when you asked. As you did let me down, by saying we were meeting up and then not even 12 hours later saying nah, can’t make it. I was happy to be your friend and go with the flow.  I didn’t want to push you into anything, as I didn’t want to be one of those… but by doing that I’ve let myself down again.  I didn’t expect love, but I was hoping to finally