Understanding

I can not fix myself.
I have tried everything and after everything I have done, I still can not love myself and so I can not expect anyone else to love me!

I have come to terms with what my life is meant to be like and this is why I have let myself go.  I use to do so many things to try and improve myself, but what's the point anymore.  All that weight I lost thinking it would make me happy and to hopefully help with finding my soul mate, didn't work one little bit.  I'm still not good enough, so that makes me think I just don't have the charisma or the attractive personality that guys like and want to build a life with.  

So seeing as the weight loss didn't work, I have slowly or maybe quite quickly let the weight pile right back and I have given up on exercising, I don't want to go out, I can't be bothered chatting with friends, fed up of faking a smile and when I do go out, I end up just wanting to go back home, as I still feel lonely even with friends around.
And so I have had to give up on what I had hoped my future could of been and what I had dreamed could have happened for me over the past couple of years.  I have lost my positivity that my fate of true happiness was due to come my way.

Back to the drawing board of just trying to get through each day one day at a time and just making sure my kids grow up happy and healthy; so I need to forget about anything that I wanted or needed, because whats the point.
If I can not love me, then I can not love someone else or someone else to love me and sometimes I truly wonder if I even know how to love and if I really show enough love for my children.

So I'm letting go of any dreams I had, as my dreams are obviously unattainable and no positive thinking is going to change my destiny.  You can only stay positive for so long and once you have been thrown into the gutter as many times I have, you would not be able to keep it up too.
I was born alone, I grew up alone and so I shall die alone.