Hmmm....

I have come to the conclusion that seeing as I’m a pretty lonely and depressed person, who desperately craves in finding that amazing friendship, I have let myself have a large target on my back.

I’m like a magnet for the lost and needy, because as soon as they’ve gotten to know me and have enjoyed my company, they have then found themselves and I have become surplus to their requirement.

So call me the fill in friend.

I’m great to chat with, open up too, I’m understanding and very helpful.  I’m not pushy, never expect anything from anyone, loyal, care about everyone’s feeling’s, while ending up losing myself.

I get reeled in by them, thinking that this is going to be an amazing friendship…. We have so much in common and we have awesome fun… but we were only having fun, because it was them needing the companionship to get them through a lonely spell.  I don’t want to keep being a part time friend or a fill in friend, just because you don’t want to be alone.  Part time friends just make me feel more alone and then I question myself and what I keep doing wrong.

I have looked back at some of the people I ended up just being a fill in friend with and after meeting me they have gone onto finding amazing things, even though at the time of knowing me they have all said virtually the same thing… I’m not ready for a relationship, it’s still too soon or I really don’t know what I want!

A few years back I spent a lot of time trying to fix myself inside and out.  I lost weight and got my confidence back, but I have slowly been broken down piece by piece by how I keep getting walked all over.  I need to harden up and try to only do what is in my best interest, but that’s harder said than done, as I don’t know what’s in my best interest.  When these friends have so called told me what they don’t want or do want I think, yeah that sounds all good… but I can never say no, I don’t agree with that, because all I’m craving for is that one friendship that may turn to something else.  And this is where I keep getting hurt, I want to see the potential of something becoming more… but it never happens and then I feel crushed for feeling those possibilities and I hate myself for even thinking that a good thing could actually happen for 

me.

I have to say this though:

I do have some amazing friends that I know do have my best interest at heart and I really do appreciate having you in my life and in my kids life too.  Thank You for being patient with me and handling me with care.