Kiwiana Girl Tells All

I can not fix myself. I have tried everything and after everything I have done, I still can not love myself and so I can not expect anyone else to love me! I have come to terms with what my life is meant to be like and this is why I have let myself go.  I use to do so many things to try and improve myself, but what's the point anymore.  All that weight I lost thinking it would make me happy and to hopefully help with finding my soul mate, didn't work one little bit.  I'm still not good enough, so that makes me think I just don't have the charisma or the attractive personality that guys like and want to build a life with.    So seeing as the weight loss didn't work, I have slowly or maybe quite quickly let the weight pile right back and I have given up on exercising, I don't want to go out, I can't be bothered chatting with friends, fed up of faking a smile and when I do go out, I end up just wanting to go back home, as I still feel lonely eve

I really did think I was an idiot! I felt like I had lost how to connect with the opposite sex or maybe I never had been able to connect and that was why I have always struggled with dating. I have in the past blamed it on the guy and yes, sometimes it has been their doing, because all they wanted was one thing.  But other times it’s me.  I can be so stupid and rush into something, especially when it feels amazing from the get go… but I always ended up getting hurt.  Other times there is nothing at the start and so I don’t persevere.  But what if I had, what if those first couple of dates that seemed okay, but the kisses did nothing was just a learning curve.  What if I had tried a little longer, got more comfortable and found that the kisses and the moments became more amazing!  But what if it didn’t and then I ended up hurting them, because then I would hate myself and feel like I had strung them along… which is what usually happens to me all the time and I don’t want to

So I’m definitely very vanilla.  I’m not one for kinky shit, give me a normal relationship in the bedroom, with a little bit of a change here and there, and I’m pretty happy. I mean, I don’t want to be on the bottom all the time, as I do like trying different positions and being on top like a cow girl can sometimes be more pleasant in the fact that I can sometimes get in the perfect position for me to maybe cum along for the ride, but this is a very rear occasion for me. At a young age I learnt that my Mum had been raped when she was 18 years old, by a male family friend.  I learnt all about the birds and the bees at that time too and so my thinking when I was old enough was that sex was to be mostly vanilla and also was really only for making babies. I was nearly 19 when I lost my virginity.  Was all pretty straight stuff, different position’s and I was comfortable with everything we did. Met my husband and everything seemed normal and straight forward with him to