So far 2017 has been really tough on me. The way I struggled over New Year’s should
have been a sign, but I went to the doctor’s and they said it was a rough time
of year and that I'll get through it. Which
at the time I could see there was a lot going on and so I just put one foot in
front of the other and just focused on getting through each day as best I
could.
I don’t like to show my emotions or asking friends for help,
as I know everyone has their own problems and battles and it’s hard for anyone
to really understand the depths of someone’s situation.
A few years back I felt like I was in a good head space, I
was ready to start living and putting myself out there to find my life time partner. But looking back now, I
still didn’t love myself and the saying goes “If you can’t love yourself, how
the hell are you going to be able to love someone else.” And this is so true… As I have never loved
me. I know how to love my children, my
parents and all my close friends and I put myself on the line over and over
again, by thinking that someone will love me enough one day to help me love myself.
I have such a terrible habit of putting my efforts into the
wrong people, seeing a fairy tale instead of reality. And then being hurt and hating myself all
over again for expecting better!
I worry about putting this on paper, I’m not one for having many friends anyway and putting my cards on the table and trying to be completely honest. But over the past couple of months I have not only been battling with the demons in my head, I've battled with various health issues and this has just put my head into a more lonely and dark place.
I have given up on my happiness... as I have tried over and over again to find my happy place, but every time I think I've found it, I just end up falling more into my dark space. You have these thoughts, thinking if I do this, then it will make me be seen differently. But you are who you are no matter if your skinny, fat, pretty or ugly. I always thought no one could like me because I was over weight and shy, but when I was skinnier, I still had the same struggles... so I suppose this is why I have gotten fat again. I've given up caring about my looks, as my looks don't make a difference, it's me as a person that makes a difference and that's just what I have to accept.
My life now is all about helping my kids grow into being strong and independent people. People that can stand on their own two feet, being happy about who they are, finding a career that they'll love getting up for every day, having special friends that will be their for them and vice versa, finding a loving and loyal partner and finding a life that will keep them happy, safe and comfortable.
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