It's occurred to me that I have difficulty adjusting when a New Year commences. When the curtain is due to come down at the End of the year; it's early December and I feel full of hope and promise, that finally I'm going to step into the New Year with a thicker skin and a knowledge that finally I'm on a new road to discovering a better and more positive life. Then a few weeks into the New Year, I realise that I'm exactly in the same place as the previous year and the previous year before that. Only I am a year older, my children are a year older, everyone around me is a year older and of course I weigh more then the year before. But weight is not what worries me so much anymore, because I know I am beautiful, I am smart, I am independent, I am trustworthy and I would give my heart and soul to the ones that I love.
My life is like a Computer!!! Where my yearly back-up has been failing for a few years now and so when I get re-booted at the start of the New Year, I end up going back to where I started many moons ago, which would of been when my last back-up was actually successful. When that was, I don't really know!
In an attempt to re-circuit my journey, I do try to re-route down a different road, but in the end the results seem to turn out the same. Maybe my Mother board is protecting me, maybe it knows that I'm not truly ready to take on these new roads. Maybe it knows that I have enough on my plate and too balance a new unknown road, could end up corrupting my hard drive. It also knows that I did a dummy test run on some of these new roads a couple of years back, but it resulted in disappointment. 
All the new programs that were met on these new roads were not compatible, they ended up being corrupted and were unable to be reprogrammed. They had lost the will to find and trust what could possibly make their hard drives surge back into wondrous life.
Last year I decided to take the advice I kept hearing. "Stop Looking, just live. And when your living, you will be found." Well, today I say "BULL SHIT". This only happens to the lucky ones, where finally their soul mate has arrived at the right place, at the right time. I believe we all have a soul mate, but it may take many life times before we finally get to find each other. I also believe in being punished for a crime you may of committed in your previous life or live's and that put's you into a life that feels like a broken record and leaves you wondering what your purpose is.
So I'm stuck!!! Am I really mean't to be on my own for the rest of my life, making all the hard decision's, having no one to stand by me, to bounce ideas off, to have a shoulder to cry on and to have someone to be my rock, when I loose my strength! Why have I become the person I am? Will I be rewarded after all this hard work has been done?
Everyone has these thoughts I'm sure and everyone has a different story that leads them to these thoughts. Some have not really experienced it as tough as other's and other's have gone through Hell and back and have never thought these thoughts at all. It all depends on their circle of support.
My conclusion is that I'm destined to continue on in this computer that won't back-up, until my kids no longer need me or the Mother board finally feels that I'm ready to be re-routed and finally allows my back-up to work. But I think that when this time finally comes, the best of me will have fried most of my circuits and I'll having nothing left to offer. So scared of dying and never feeling true love!
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