After an episode of Californication.

Just watched Season 2, Episode 10 of Californication and it made me cry.

I want to be a female version of Hank Moody or even Charlie Runkle.  Woman falling at your feet, it may not lead to love with any of them, as they already love someone they can't have; but just think of the fun.  Deep down, I suppose it's a lonely world...but it would be nice to be in their shoes and feel wanted, even if it's only for your body.  So, no I can't be a Hank Moody even if I wanted too, because I don't have sex appeal, the confidence or the gift of the gab.  And Charlie Runkle, he's just a lucky/unlucky son of gun and luck is not something that I have been privileged with, all men avoid men like I have the plague, Nah...just ugly.


The few week's back, I wrote about having the best of both worlds, but I was really just on a stupid high.  Yes, it's great to have a Friends with Benefits...but it's only great if it happens both ways and regularly.  I get so disappointed when my FWB guy is usually busy doing his things and I'm just an after thought for when he has an itch to scratch.  I know that's the way the Cookie crumbles with the situation we are in, but some times I have an itch to scratch too, but I feel that I can't ask him to scratch my itch, otherwise he starts to think I'm getting all serious.  If only I was without kids, I'm sure I'd be out and about more...but by the time I can be out and about, I'm going to be too old and dried up.

I need to stop watching TV shows that show a life that I want to have.  First there was Shameless and now Californication.  I want some of that, I'm fed up of dreaming about it and hoping that one day it will happen.  I really should say, that even if it did come to fruition I would most likely run for the hills.  I'm just sick of the emotional roller coaster ride I keep going on, that these TV shows keep putting me through and why do I keep punishing myself by watching the shit.


They say when you finally give up trying, you finally end up getting what you wanted or needed.  But I give up all the time and nothing ever changes; for better or for worse.  So I obviously don't have an angel or a devil on my shoulder watching my every move.  Man, now I feel even lonelier and a worse loser then before.

I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing, where I'm suppose to be going.  Can't go back, can't go forward.... I'm just looping around on a record player, that keeps hitting a bump on the track.

I know TV shows are all bull shit and give poor lonely people like myself a false sense of reality.

So I'm very much a downer, I have nothing good to say about myself... and I know how I feel about myself  can't be all true, but I just want a break, I just want to see how the other half live.  The ones that even though they work hard, they also have as much fun playing too.  I want a life like my FWB has, he works hard and long hours, but he has his mates, his lovely Mum, his local where everyone knows his name and he is always up to something.  Most of the time, the only way he can get time out, is to turn his phone off and ignore everyone.\

So that's my rant... over and out.