Not sure if my title has anything to do with what I ended up writing about, but what a title don't you think!
I'm in two minds at the moment. For people that know me well, they know that I have been a big girl all my life. Never known what a flat stomach looks or feels like and even after my huge weight loss a few years ago, that desire still was not achieved...even with the endless hours at the gym. So over time, I gave up the dream of ever having the perfect stomach and decided to just try and love what I have. This of course lead me to gain weight again, but I have stabilised at a certain weight for over a year now and I just seem to fluctuate around it. The only thing that has made this weight gain worth while, is the fact that I got my cleavage back. So I have such a dilemma. Do I try and get back to the weight I got to last time, knowing that I will not get the stomach I wish to have, but then ending up losing my cleavage.
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| At my Heaviest, then at my Lightest and then Boob Envy. |
Why can I not see myself in a photo, as everyone else sees me. I saw a photo of myself sitting on the Lap of one of the Sydney Hotshot guys and all I saw was a big chunky girl. I see my cleavage, rolled into my stomach, rolled into my legs. I've been trying really hard to see myself in a positive light, but every time I get rejected by a guy, I just think it must be me.
But as we all know, it's not suppose to be what you look like that people should like about you, it's you as a person. Yes, that is true in most circumstance's, but hey lets be honest...if you look nice, you more likely to be noticed. So what does it matter weather I look like I am now, or what I looked like at my lightest or even what I looked like at my heaviest, I obviously don't have the look that people find interesting enough to want to get to know. I'm trying not to be hard on myself, but it's so hard. I worked so hard a few years ago, I lost over 55 kilos thinking that it would help me to find new friends of the male persuasion. But no, nothing changed.
Started online dating, but the majority of guys just wanted a no strings attached relationship and the odd two that made it past a couple of dates, ended up running off not sure if they wanted a relationship in the end or not. I'm feeling like a broken record, but it's hard when you are a solo Mum doing everything for your kids. I have my kids 24/7, so you can see why I feel lonely. How hard is it to find someone that just want's to share time with me. Online dating and putting myself out there again has been a real big change for me this year. My beautiful friend/neighbour is amazed at what I have overcome and done this year, but in the end I still feel like I did this time last year, alone. If it hadn't been for my beautiful friend/neighbour and her wonderful Husband for letting me take her out the odd night this year, otherwise I think I would have given up a lot earlier. But just having seen what it's like to have a little fun, is the only thing that has kept me going. (Far out, I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out right now.) Why do I have to be so emotional and always wear my heart on my sleeve!
I just want to say to all the lucky people out there that if you have been able to find their soulmate, remember that it's a two way street and it's not always just about you. Some people forget that it takes two to listen, learn and understand in a relationship, so don't always keep taking, as you will end up taking so much that you end up breaking the person you supposable love.
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