Kiwiana Girl Tells All

Purchases from the Martinborough Fair and  the American Car Festival What an amazing weekend I had… I know most of my posts over the years have been downers and mediocre stories of my mental issues, picking the wrong men and just not feeling like my life had any purpose. I’ve had good and great weekends over the years with my family and close friends, but this weekend there was a difference.   Not only did I do the usual weekend away stuff, I was also challenged in the most unexpected way, which was also a happy surprise to my companion whom had suggested the challenge casually over the last couple of weeks, but thinking that maybe I wasn’t up to it. I too wasn’t so sure, as I had many questions due to the ways my ex-husband behaved, which ended up giving me the wrong impression.   I have always thought of myself as an open minded person and when this came up in conversation, I automatically had visions of my ex-husband and so I needed to explain my ...

Love is an emotion that should be experienced in its fullest capacity. It is not easy to find a true lover these days but if someone finds him/her, then he/she will understand how beautiful the life will be with true love. It is something that is worth waiting for, we see some people making relationships just for the sake of having one and most of these relationships end in total tragedies, so, if you are singe wait for the time where you will be able to find the best person for your life and never settle lower for anything. #1 Choose to be with someone who can’t stand to be apart from you Find someone who cannot even think of leaving you. Find the person who enjoys being with you in every step that you take and who cannot stay even a day without seeing you. The right person who loves you truly will enjoy seeing you every day, every hour and every minute. #2 Stay single until you find someone who always calls to check on you The right person will always have time for you and...

When did finding love orgnically become so difficult? I have been questioning this a fair bit lately and have discussed it with others till I've turned blue in the face. I have now done some online research and this anology of living and loving organically is exactly what I've been trying to explain to others. It's common for relationships to be contrived because most of us believe being single means something is missing from our lives. We obsessively look for what we consider a missing piece of ourselves. Or others see sex as the only way to date. This search influences our concepts of love to be built upon the foundation of fear. Our lack of self-worth blocks the natural organic flow of relating. We can use the nature of gardening as a template to follow when it comes to cultivating relationships. When you plant a seed it takes time and gentle care to assist in the blossoming process. Root based plants such as beets and carrots will take longer to sprout when compared ...

So I’ve come to the conclusion that I seem to be everyone else’s lucky charm.   I have gone on a few dates over the past three and a half years, a quarter of them weren’t my cup of tea, another quarter I wasn’t their cup of tea, another quarter they just wanted one thing only and finally the quarter that I thought was going to work out, the guy ends up pulling away just as it’s time to decide if we are heading into relationship status! They end up saying that old stigma 'It’s not you, it’s me, it's just that I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship yet.   But funny enough they were the ones that stated that they were looking for a relationship.   Anyway, after the hurting has stopped and I get on with my life as I know it…. Alone.   I end up seeing a status on their facebook page saying there in a relationship.   WTF… again they decided that I wasn't the one, but as soon as they walk away from me, they end up having all the luck of finding ...

Over the past month I've been re-analysing my life.  It all started when my parents finally put an offer on a house in Taupo and had it accepted.  I'm 45 years old and they have been spending a week every year there for as long as I can remember and they decided years ago that Taupo was where they would retire someday.  The only thing is, they have their current home and jobs in Wellington and aren't due to leave for Taupo for at least another 18 months.  Which means, finding someone to rent their new home in Taupo to pay for their new mortgage.  So their first choice was to ask if I would be interested in uprooting myself and my two kids (Age 15 & 10) from Wellington, to rent out their new home in Taupo.  I spent a week or so thinking about this and I just couldn't think of a good enough reason to move, other then to be a good daughter and help my parents out. My Parents new house in Taupo. I've also been getting friendly with this really ...

Had been FB friends for over a year, met for coffee a couple of times when he was in Wellington.  About six Months back he was actually staying in Wellington off and on, and he tried to get me to come visit him late one night, just for cuddles.  But I said no, as thou I enjoyed his support and chats, I was not needing or wanting to go down that road with him.  He apologised the next day for being so persistent the previous night and we just went back to being our old selves as FB friends. Saturday just been, we had a perfectly normal chat.  He spoke about what he was planning to do moving on, as he'd left a job that wasn't working for him.  I filled him in with the kids and how I was just plodding along with the online dating thing again but wasn't being the stupid nieve girl, I was a couple of years back.  He told me about some girl flops he'd had recently and how he had given up on the search.  Our conversation had ended on a Will Smith life c...

It's occurred to me that I have difficulty adjusting when a New Year commences.  When the curtain is due to come down at the End of the year; it's early December and I feel full of hope and promise, that finally I'm going to step into the New Year with a thicker skin and a knowledge that finally I'm on a new road to discovering a better and more positive life.  Then a few weeks into the New Year, I realise that I'm exactly in the same place as the previous year and the previous year before that.  Only I am a year older, my children are a year older, everyone around me is a year older and of course I weigh more then the year before.  But weight is not what worries me so much anymore, because I know I am beautiful, I am smart, I am independent, I am trustworthy and I would give my heart and soul to the ones that I love. My life is like a Computer!!!  Where my yearly back-up has been failing for a few years now and so when I get re-booted at the start of the New...

So far 2017 has been really tough on me.  The way I struggled over New Year’s should have been a sign, but I went to the doctor’s and they said it was a rough time of year and that I'll get through it.  Which at the time I could see there was a lot going on and so I just put one foot in front of the other and just focused on getting through each day as best I could. I don’t like to show my emotions or asking friends for help, as I know everyone has their own problems and battles and it’s hard for anyone to really understand the depths of someone’s situation. A few years back I felt like I was in a good head space, I was ready to start living and putting myself out there to find my life time partner.  But looking back now, I still didn’t love myself and the saying goes “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to be able to love someone else.”  And this is so true… As I have never loved me.  I know how to love my children, my parents and al...

Was munching on a biscuit yesterday and ended up choking on a crumb.  After that crumb, I kept coughing.  Went to bed feeling a little out of sorts, where I woke up in the early hours of the morning with a sore throat and sore body.  When I eventually got out of bed later that morning, my throat was sore to swallow, my cough hurt my chest and throat, my body hurts in the legs, hips, shoulders, neck and back and I have a fuzzy head ache.  I feel like death warmed up and I'm asking why me only 4 weeks since I last was down with a similar bug.  I had just spent the past week and a half getting back into my walking and cutting down on the shit food and now I haven't got the energy to keep it up. The other thing that I had to battled with today, was taking my girl to her Psychiatrist and Psychologist appointment.  We had a struggling start to the session, finally they got her to talk... which only made me cry.  When she talks about certain thoughts and f...

I can not fix myself. I have tried everything and after everything I have done, I still can not love myself and so I can not expect anyone else to love me! I have come to terms with what my life is meant to be like and this is why I have let myself go.  I use to do so many things to try and improve myself, but what's the point anymore.  All that weight I lost thinking it would make me happy and to hopefully help with finding my soul mate, didn't work one little bit.  I'm still not good enough, so that makes me think I just don't have the charisma or the attractive personality that guys like and want to build a life with.    So seeing as the weight loss didn't work, I have slowly or maybe quite quickly let the weight pile right back and I have given up on exercising, I don't want to go out, I can't be bothered chatting with friends, fed up of faking a smile and when I do go out, I end up just wanting to go back home, as I still feel lonely eve...

I really did think I was an idiot! I felt like I had lost how to connect with the opposite sex or maybe I never had been able to connect and that was why I have always struggled with dating. I have in the past blamed it on the guy and yes, sometimes it has been their doing, because all they wanted was one thing.  But other times it’s me.  I can be so stupid and rush into something, especially when it feels amazing from the get go… but I always ended up getting hurt.  Other times there is nothing at the start and so I don’t persevere.  But what if I had, what if those first couple of dates that seemed okay, but the kisses did nothing was just a learning curve.  What if I had tried a little longer, got more comfortable and found that the kisses and the moments became more amazing!  But what if it didn’t and then I ended up hurting them, because then I would hate myself and feel like I had strung them along… which is what usually happens to me all ...

So I’m definitely very vanilla.  I’m not one for kinky shit, give me a normal relationship in the bedroom, with a little bit of a change here and there, and I’m pretty happy. I mean, I don’t want to be on the bottom all the time, as I do like trying different positions and being on top like a cow girl can sometimes be more pleasant in the fact that I can sometimes get in the perfect position for me to maybe cum along for the ride, but this is a very rear occasion for me. At a young age I learnt that my Mum had been raped when she was 18 years old, by a male family friend.  I learnt all about the birds and the bees at that time too and so my thinking when I was old enough was that sex was to be mostly vanilla and also was really only for making babies. I was nearly 19 when I lost my virginity.  Was all pretty straight stuff, different position’s and I was comfortable with everything we did. Met my husband and everything seemed normal and straight forwa...