Kiwiana Girl Tells All

I can not fix myself. I have tried everything and after everything I have done, I still can not love myself and so I can not expect anyone else to love me! I have come to terms with what my life is meant to be like and this is why I have let myself go.  I use to do so many things to try and improve myself, but what's the point anymore.  All that weight I lost thinking it would make me happy and to hopefully help with finding my soul mate, didn't work one little bit.  I'm still not good enough, so that makes me think I just don't have the charisma or the attractive personality that guys like and want to build a life with.    So seeing as the weight loss didn't work, I have slowly or maybe quite quickly let the weight pile right back and I have given up on exercising, I don't want to go out, I can't be bothered chatting with friends, fed up of faking a smile and when I do go out, I end up just wanting to go back home, as I still feel lonely eve...

I really did think I was an idiot! I felt like I had lost how to connect with the opposite sex or maybe I never had been able to connect and that was why I have always struggled with dating. I have in the past blamed it on the guy and yes, sometimes it has been their doing, because all they wanted was one thing.  But other times it’s me.  I can be so stupid and rush into something, especially when it feels amazing from the get go… but I always ended up getting hurt.  Other times there is nothing at the start and so I don’t persevere.  But what if I had, what if those first couple of dates that seemed okay, but the kisses did nothing was just a learning curve.  What if I had tried a little longer, got more comfortable and found that the kisses and the moments became more amazing!  But what if it didn’t and then I ended up hurting them, because then I would hate myself and feel like I had strung them along… which is what usually happens to me all ...

So I’m definitely very vanilla.  I’m not one for kinky shit, give me a normal relationship in the bedroom, with a little bit of a change here and there, and I’m pretty happy. I mean, I don’t want to be on the bottom all the time, as I do like trying different positions and being on top like a cow girl can sometimes be more pleasant in the fact that I can sometimes get in the perfect position for me to maybe cum along for the ride, but this is a very rear occasion for me. At a young age I learnt that my Mum had been raped when she was 18 years old, by a male family friend.  I learnt all about the birds and the bees at that time too and so my thinking when I was old enough was that sex was to be mostly vanilla and also was really only for making babies. I was nearly 19 when I lost my virginity.  Was all pretty straight stuff, different position’s and I was comfortable with everything we did. Met my husband and everything seemed normal and straight forwa...

I have come to the conclusion that seeing as I’m a pretty lonely and depressed person, who desperately craves in finding that amazing friendship, I have let myself have a large target on my back. I’m like a magnet for the lost and needy, because as soon as they’ve gotten to know me and have enjoyed my company, they have then found themselves and I have become surplus to their requirement. So call me the fill in friend. I’m great to chat with, open up too, I’m understanding and very helpful.  I’m not pushy, never expect anything from anyone, loyal, care about everyone’s feeling’s, while ending up losing myself. I get reeled in by them, thinking that this is going to be an amazing friendship…. We have so much in common and we have awesome fun… but we were only having fun, because it was them needing the companionship to get them through a lonely spell.  I don’t want to keep being a part time friend or a fill in friend, just because you don’t want to be a...

I know that no promises were made at the time and so I can’t be angry with you.  But the reason why I was okay with what you said to me was because you said you weren’t ready for getting attached and that you were enjoying being your own self again, so I let my guard down, thinking that at least I wouldn’t get hurt over you finding someone else. And here I am feeling yet again like a piece of shit, only good enough to be a fill in and not good enough for anything else.  I knew when you fobbed me off the other week, there was more too it.  And yes, you are the reason for why I became so sad…. But I couldn’t admit it to you when you asked. As you did let me down, by saying we were meeting up and then not even 12 hours later saying nah, can’t make it. I was happy to be your friend and go with the flow.  I didn’t want to push you into anything, as I didn’t want to be one of those… but by doing that I’ve let myself down again.  I didn’t expect love, but ...

It’s time to finally say good bye to ‘2016’. It definitely had its ups and downs for everyone around the world. Though I tried even harder again this year to achieve what I wanted to achieve in ‘2015’, I’m still in the same place emotionally and personally. I have made some amazing new friends, gained new experiences and did everything in my power to get over my self-doubt, to love myself and my life. But it’s less than two hours till ‘2017’ starts and here I am doing the same thing I did last year.   Stuck at home, hating my life and myself… and feeling like the end of ‘2016’ is just a replay of my ‘2015’ ending. I tried hard to open up this year, make new friends and to get out of my own head.   But all my hard work has gone down the drain, because I never get time away from my daughter and I feel by  the time I have no kids under my feet, I’ll also have no friends. I love my daughter, but I find where I am in my life is not where I w...

My body is my shell.  These days my shell feels empty and dead inside.  When I do get to head off to work for example, people see me... but really I'm not there, as my mind and soul has left the building. Tired and exhausted from trying to keep it all together, but so wishing I was none existent all together.  Each day I paint a face that my kids need to see, they need to see me strong and that I am there for them, but inside I'm broken and lost, wishing of a way to escape. Term 4 has been really hard.  I had high hope's that my daughter was on the up and up, but she is receding and taking me along with her.  She was enjoying the slow transition to Wellington High School, but now she's hating it, hating the teachers, hating the students and hating the noise and chaos.  If she had a choice, she'd stay at City Regional Health School, where the group is a nice size and the noise is not chaotic. But that's not an option, CRHS is a school to help her inte...