Kiwiana Girl Tells All

I have come to the conclusion that seeing as I’m a pretty lonely and depressed person, who desperately craves in finding that amazing friendship, I have let myself have a large target on my back. I’m like a magnet for the lost and needy, because as soon as they’ve gotten to know me and have enjoyed my company, they have then found themselves and I have become surplus to their requirement. So call me the fill in friend. I’m great to chat with, open up too, I’m understanding and very helpful.  I’m not pushy, never expect anything from anyone, loyal, care about everyone’s feeling’s, while ending up losing myself. I get reeled in by them, thinking that this is going to be an amazing friendship…. We have so much in common and we have awesome fun… but we were only having fun, because it was them needing the companionship to get them through a lonely spell.  I don’t want to keep being a part time friend or a fill in friend, just because you don’t want to be a...

I know that no promises were made at the time and so I can’t be angry with you.  But the reason why I was okay with what you said to me was because you said you weren’t ready for getting attached and that you were enjoying being your own self again, so I let my guard down, thinking that at least I wouldn’t get hurt over you finding someone else. And here I am feeling yet again like a piece of shit, only good enough to be a fill in and not good enough for anything else.  I knew when you fobbed me off the other week, there was more too it.  And yes, you are the reason for why I became so sad…. But I couldn’t admit it to you when you asked. As you did let me down, by saying we were meeting up and then not even 12 hours later saying nah, can’t make it. I was happy to be your friend and go with the flow.  I didn’t want to push you into anything, as I didn’t want to be one of those… but by doing that I’ve let myself down again.  I didn’t expect love, but ...

It’s time to finally say good bye to ‘2016’. It definitely had its ups and downs for everyone around the world. Though I tried even harder again this year to achieve what I wanted to achieve in ‘2015’, I’m still in the same place emotionally and personally. I have made some amazing new friends, gained new experiences and did everything in my power to get over my self-doubt, to love myself and my life. But it’s less than two hours till ‘2017’ starts and here I am doing the same thing I did last year.   Stuck at home, hating my life and myself… and feeling like the end of ‘2016’ is just a replay of my ‘2015’ ending. I tried hard to open up this year, make new friends and to get out of my own head.   But all my hard work has gone down the drain, because I never get time away from my daughter and I feel by  the time I have no kids under my feet, I’ll also have no friends. I love my daughter, but I find where I am in my life is not where I w...

My body is my shell.  These days my shell feels empty and dead inside.  When I do get to head off to work for example, people see me... but really I'm not there, as my mind and soul has left the building. Tired and exhausted from trying to keep it all together, but so wishing I was none existent all together.  Each day I paint a face that my kids need to see, they need to see me strong and that I am there for them, but inside I'm broken and lost, wishing of a way to escape. Term 4 has been really hard.  I had high hope's that my daughter was on the up and up, but she is receding and taking me along with her.  She was enjoying the slow transition to Wellington High School, but now she's hating it, hating the teachers, hating the students and hating the noise and chaos.  If she had a choice, she'd stay at City Regional Health School, where the group is a nice size and the noise is not chaotic. But that's not an option, CRHS is a school to help her inte...

Going from having a real awesome day yesterday, to walking out of my girls school review feeling sick, in tears and feeling drained. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how I keep the strength to keep going. Suffering from depression myself and just trying to get through the day myself is exhausting, but having to be the rock for my daughter and having to get her through her daily tasks is getting harder for me everyday.  Middle of the year I thought I could see the light at the end of the Tunnel with her, but now I want to pull my hair out screaming at the top of my lungs "I don't want to do this anymore". My girl has been suffering from depression and extreme anxiety since the end of 2014.  I look at her and I compare myself to her at the same age.  She is bright with stuff that she truly enjoys learning, but she lacks a lot of other skills that I had when I was her age and it worries me.  Is she really that afraid to try and attempt these tasks or is she just...

Continuing on from my previous blog " Tattoo's at For t y. " Dated 12 Apr 2015 I thought I had finished at five Tattoo's; I had even promised my daughter that there would be no more... But no, I had to get another. So in March this year I sat my daughter down and explained to her what I wanted. She was like, "OMG Mum!  You said no more, I don't want you turning into one of those old ladies that is covered from head toe with tattoo's".  I promised her I would never be like that, as I find tattoo's next to tattoo's, next to more tattoo's, was just a little much.  You still need to show the skin you were born in and over decorating yourself like a Christmas tree, is just a little over board, it's like wearing to much make up. Anyway, my girl surprised me afterwards, because she ended up turning around and saying, "Well if your going to get another one, can you get one for me". Of course, how could I turn that request do...

How many chances do you give someone? Over a year had passed since we first met up over a milkshake and a sundae.  Some how, we never met again, then contact details got lost and ties were severed. Then funnily enough, my phone notifies me of their upcoming birthday this year and then Face Book ask's me if I know this person.  So I decided to Face Book message them and wish them a happy birthday. We got chatting again, they were so happy to connect with me again and said it was fate that brought us back together.  We organised to meet over coffee, which when the day came was about to not happen, due to money issue's.  But I said it was okay, I was happy to drive out their way and shout them coffee, as I was desperate to catch up with them again and to see if it was fate! We sat chatting over coffee for a couple of hours that day and we also organised to meet for dinner the following Friday. Two months passed and guess what, we still haven't had our di...