Kiwiana Girl Tells All

It’s time to finally say good bye to ‘2016’. It definitely had its ups and downs for everyone around the world. Though I tried even harder again this year to achieve what I wanted to achieve in ‘2015’, I’m still in the same place emotionally and personally. I have made some amazing new friends, gained new experiences and did everything in my power to get over my self-doubt, to love myself and my life. But it’s less than two hours till ‘2017’ starts and here I am doing the same thing I did last year.   Stuck at home, hating my life and myself… and feeling like the end of ‘2016’ is just a replay of my ‘2015’ ending. I tried hard to open up this year, make new friends and to get out of my own head.   But all my hard work has gone down the drain, because I never get time away from my daughter and I feel by  the time I have no kids under my feet, I’ll also have no friends. I love my daughter, but I find where I am in my life is not where I w...

My body is my shell.  These days my shell feels empty and dead inside.  When I do get to head off to work for example, people see me... but really I'm not there, as my mind and soul has left the building. Tired and exhausted from trying to keep it all together, but so wishing I was none existent all together.  Each day I paint a face that my kids need to see, they need to see me strong and that I am there for them, but inside I'm broken and lost, wishing of a way to escape. Term 4 has been really hard.  I had high hope's that my daughter was on the up and up, but she is receding and taking me along with her.  She was enjoying the slow transition to Wellington High School, but now she's hating it, hating the teachers, hating the students and hating the noise and chaos.  If she had a choice, she'd stay at City Regional Health School, where the group is a nice size and the noise is not chaotic. But that's not an option, CRHS is a school to help her inte...

Going from having a real awesome day yesterday, to walking out of my girls school review feeling sick, in tears and feeling drained. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how I keep the strength to keep going. Suffering from depression myself and just trying to get through the day myself is exhausting, but having to be the rock for my daughter and having to get her through her daily tasks is getting harder for me everyday.  Middle of the year I thought I could see the light at the end of the Tunnel with her, but now I want to pull my hair out screaming at the top of my lungs "I don't want to do this anymore". My girl has been suffering from depression and extreme anxiety since the end of 2014.  I look at her and I compare myself to her at the same age.  She is bright with stuff that she truly enjoys learning, but she lacks a lot of other skills that I had when I was her age and it worries me.  Is she really that afraid to try and attempt these tasks or is she just...

Continuing on from my previous blog " Tattoo's at For t y. " Dated 12 Apr 2015 I thought I had finished at five Tattoo's; I had even promised my daughter that there would be no more... But no, I had to get another. So in March this year I sat my daughter down and explained to her what I wanted. She was like, "OMG Mum!  You said no more, I don't want you turning into one of those old ladies that is covered from head toe with tattoo's".  I promised her I would never be like that, as I find tattoo's next to tattoo's, next to more tattoo's, was just a little much.  You still need to show the skin you were born in and over decorating yourself like a Christmas tree, is just a little over board, it's like wearing to much make up. Anyway, my girl surprised me afterwards, because she ended up turning around and saying, "Well if your going to get another one, can you get one for me". Of course, how could I turn that request do...

How many chances do you give someone? Over a year had passed since we first met up over a milkshake and a sundae.  Some how, we never met again, then contact details got lost and ties were severed. Then funnily enough, my phone notifies me of their upcoming birthday this year and then Face Book ask's me if I know this person.  So I decided to Face Book message them and wish them a happy birthday. We got chatting again, they were so happy to connect with me again and said it was fate that brought us back together.  We organised to meet over coffee, which when the day came was about to not happen, due to money issue's.  But I said it was okay, I was happy to drive out their way and shout them coffee, as I was desperate to catch up with them again and to see if it was fate! We sat chatting over coffee for a couple of hours that day and we also organised to meet for dinner the following Friday. Two months passed and guess what, we still haven't had our di...

Just watched Season 2, Episode 10 of Californication and it made me cry. I want to be a female version of Hank Moody or even Charlie Runkle.  Woman falling at your feet, it may not lead to love with any of them, as they already love someone they can't have; but just think of the fun.  Deep down, I suppose it's a lonely world...but it would be nice to be in their shoes and feel wanted, even if it's only for your body.  So, no I can't be a Hank Moody even if I wanted too, because I don't have sex appeal, the confidence or the gift of the gab.  And Charlie Runkle, he's just a lucky/unlucky son of gun and luck is not something that I have been privileged with, all men avoid men like I have the plague, Nah...just ugly. The few week's back, I wrote about having the best of both worlds, but I was really just on a stupid high.  Yes, it's great to have a Friends with Benefits...but it's only great if it happens both ways and regularly.  I ...

Never thought that I would be doing what I did... I have always dreamt of being an extra on a TV series or movie and last night my dreams came true. It all started when I saw the below on Face Book. EXTRAS CASTING CALL!!! Pot Luck Webseries with Tess Jamieson-karaha and Nikki Si'ulepa . Have you always wanted to see what it's like being on a film set? Want to be a part of one of the coolest projects in Wellington right now? Then look no further! The Pot Luck team need a bunch of wonderful women to help fill out a nightclub scene in one of our upcoming episodes - we need YOU to help create a bubble of lesbian life here in Wellington. If you'd like the chance to be a part of this funky, fresh new webseries then grab your mates and come and spend the day with us! We have a lot of ducks to line up for this scene so if you're available on Monday the 8th of February (Waitangi Day), over the age of 18, and keen to be part of the action please ...

Can I call it giving up, when I never really had it at all! I spent all of last year trying to find a partner crime, but here I am one year on and nothing has changed. So yeah.  No guy has the balls to be with me; and I just can't be bothered trying anymore. I'm going to go back to being Me, Myself and I.  No more dealing with every guys insecurities, problems and inabilities to just hang out and have fun. The sass, the bubble, the fun side of me has gone.  I'm going back to being a Mum of two kids, just trying to keep my head above water. So thanks Mum for babysitting last year, but I'm not going to require a sitter anymore, as I don't intend on going out anymore.